I can remember in my younger days, when I was in a meeting or training event and I had a clarifying question. I wouldn’t just ask the question I would say: ‘Can I ask a question?’, or perhaps ‘This might be a silly question, but…’
I’m not sure when or how I learned these approaches to contributing or seeking clarity, but I rather suspect that the tendency to see my voice as less important than others was driving my behaviour. That may have been because I was the youngest in the room, or I was the only woman. I cannot help but reflect on this behaviour and wonder did I really do myself justice by using these confidence crushers to make my voice heard?
Think about what you do when you are in a meeting or an event. How do you use your voice when you have something to say? Are you one of those folks who asks permission to ask your question? Or perhaps you automatically start with some self-deprecating comment like; ‘It might be just me, but …’?
All of these behaviours might seem like innocuous and even polite ways to bring your input to a meeting or event, but do you know that you are making yourself small by using these approaches? Perhaps you are also inadvertently giving away your personal power by allowing others see you as less important?
What do I mean by that?
Well for one thing – why do you ask if you can ask a question? Do you feel that someone else in the room has the authority to grant you permission? If you don’t, then why ask? Instead you could just find a gentle segue and then go ahead and make your ask. For example, using a rejoiner like: ‘I’m curious….’, and then ask your question. See the difference? The second approach is much more impactful.
The same is true with avoiding self-deprecating caveats like ‘It might just be me…’, or the even weaker ‘This might be a silly question..’. Really, do you go around asking silly questions? I rather think not, but somehow you have learned to use this preface as a way of deflecting any judgement that might come from asking the question in the first place. I am sure that influenced the behaviour of my younger self.
Your voice has a right to be heard. You already bring value, insight and skills to your role, or else you wouldn’t be in it.
Creating a new more assertive style takes time and practice, so I want to encourage you to make an effort to do both.
I’ve got a challenge for you over the next week, should you choose to accept it
Every time you have a question to raise or a comment to make you are going to make it without any preamble. No ‘justs’ in the sentence. No asking for permission to contribute and definitely no self-deprecating statements about being silly.
Every time you are ready to raise you hand, make a comment or ask a question, have your opener or rejoinder ready. It could be as simple as ‘If I could just come in there…’ or, ‘I’m curious .. [this one is great for a question], or if someone has ignored or over-ridden your contribution, ‘If I could just come back to what I was saying…’. My previous article on #manterruptions will give you a few more hints on how to do this.
If you find these sort of assertive replies anxiety provoking, practice saying them out loud to yourself in front of a mirror. If you have an important meeting coming up, make sure you practice ahead of the meeting. Be ready and then its easier to add your voice when the time is right.
If you accept the challenge, I’d love to know how you got on, how you felt about it afterwards and whether you think it will lead to any long-term changes in how you show up. Do email me if you have feedback or questions on Mary@agents2change.com
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